It’s been a long drawn out winter, with cold snaps lasting much longer than usual. We had an unexpected week of sun last week, then back to rain this week. I went to bed the other night and as soon as I closed my eyes, my entire room lit up with a flash of lightening followed by a crack of thunder so loud I felt like it occurred right over my head. Then I heard hail hitting the windows! Thankfully despite all the noise, I promptly fell asleep hoping there would be no snow the next morning as I was leading Trailblazers, my hiking group, first thing. We lucked out to a beautiful sunny hike, then the rain came later that day. We did not get any snow, but other parts of the island did. It looks like warmer weather and more sunshine is expected next week…finally!
This was a hard winter for me, after a series of traumatic events over a period of 6 months, I was left with PTSD, high levels of anxiety, insomnia, OCD (a new one for me) and I eventually fell into a deep depression by late August. There were days where I literally could feel the cortisol (stress hormone) flowing through my body. I was on such high alert and stressed on a level I had never experienced before. I took some time off and travelled back home to be with my family in an effort to let my body rest and heal. I had to warn everyone in advance that I was not the person they once knew. I was on edge all the time, easily triggered by sounds, voices, loud noises and I couldn’t be in crowded public spaces.
This long cold winter weather made matters worse. All I wanted to do was hibernate in isolation to avoid everything and everyone. I fell out of all my daily practices, as I just didn’t have the energy or strength to do them. Worse yet, I didn’t even want to do them, even though I knew exactly what I needed, a part of me intuitively knew that I had to just sit in the misery and feel all the things.
For the first time in years, I had become suicidal. I did not want to be here anymore, I lost all hope that anything good would ever happen again. My body and my brain were not in sync, I was still struggling to think clearly, remember how to do things or learn new things. I was in therapy, given suggestions on things to do to help me get out of that dark place. I knew all the things, I knew what I needed to do, I knew the healing modalities and practices that would help but I just couldn’t bring myself to do them.
As the new year started, tired of feeling this way, I decided to pick one physical activity to get back into. For whatever reason, amidst the cold rainy weather, I chose hiking. I noticed how good I started to feel while out on the trails but as soon as I’d get back home, I’d feel exhausted and go back into hibernation mode. I desperately kept trying to meditate, however no matter what I tried either listening to guided meditations or binaural beats or repeating affirmations, I just couldn’t get out of my head. The negative thoughts spiraling out of control. I would stop trying and just stare at the TV mindlessly watching whatever could keep my attention away from the thoughts in my head. I couldn’t even watch comedy, usually my go to choice, as I just didn’t find any humour in anything.
I kept up the hiking, more so as I had to as it is one of the things I do for a living. I am incredibly grateful for this as I needed it for my mental health and I most likely would not have been hiking as much as I have been if not for that. It was so wonderful to see some of my regulars and a group of new people join us.
I slowly got back into my own Yoga practice, focusing more on relaxation than the quick pace style I have grown to love in recent years. My personal practice was few and far between for awhile, but I am back to almost daily HIIT Yoga. I added EFT/tapping to my routine again, practicing Reiki on myself and my newest addition is learning Tai Chi, something I have been interested in for years! When I think about where I was physically, mentally and emotionally even just 4 months ago, it’s like night and day. I am grateful to becoming myself again!
Tonight is the new moon in Taurus and also a Total Solar Eclipse. I just happened to write last months blog on the new moon and I mentioned that the new moon is a time to ask yourself important questions, like “What am I ready to invite in? What seeds or intentions do I want to plant? What do I want to bring into my life?” My goal was:
1) more self-care which I am happy to say I have accomplished
2) gain more clarity on a couple of projects that I am working on and I feel this is starting to come together
3) increase my energy and I have been way more physically active in the last month with hiking, Yoga and Tai Chi!
I also wanted to bring in more connections, sunshine, fun and adventures. I have been expanding my social circle and this past weekend I went to three shows, one to see the band Big Sugar and two comedy shows, where I spent time with new and long time friends. This weekend I am taking my first road trip of the year to the west coast of the island and yesterday my new paddleboard arrived a week early just in time for our upcoming camping adventures. Looking forward to what’s to come next! What are your intentions for the new moon? Would love to hear them!
Much love,
LL
